


Reflections

by SecretStream



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Character Study, Gen, i think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:29:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29069580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SecretStream/pseuds/SecretStream
Summary: When FN-2187 was 14, he started thinking.When FN-2187 was 18, he saw his own face for the first time.When FN-2187 was 24, he met Poe Dameron.Some of the important events in Finn’s life.
Relationships: Finn & Rey (Star Wars), Poe Dameron & Finn
Kudos: 3





	Reflections

When FN-2187 was 14, he started thinking about things he knew he wasn’t supposed to think about. He liked his roommates more than he should, especially Slip. Stormtroopers were not allowed to like any trooper more than the others. He saw how each of his roommates looked different at night, and found himself wishing he knew what he looked like as well. Stormtroopers were not allowed to see their own faces. They were to keep their helmets on at all times, except for showering, eating, and sleeping. There were no mirrors in the whole compound. And they were never to ask their peers what they looked like.

He could see his hands, so he knew his skin was darker than Slip’s but slightly lighter than Zeros’. But he wondered what his face looked like. Was it sharp and pointy like Nines? Was it soft and round like Slip? Was it oval like Zeros? Was it something else entirely? He wondered what color his eyes were, and the shape of his nose, but he knew better than to ever voice these thoughts out loud. That was a surefire way to get sent to reconditioning, and troopers who got sent to reconditioning never came back quite the same.

When FN-2187 was 17, he got assigned sanitation duty. It wasn’t really fun, but he knew eventually he might be able to work his way up enough to do computers or something. He liked technology, and learning about it and how it worked. He was only 17, freshly graduated from school and training, and all new troopers got assigned small jobs at first. FN-2187 knew that poor Slip had been assigned to the Assembly Line. He had to make the same left shoulder pad over and over again all day. At least FN-2187 got to clean different things. 

When FN-2187 was 18, he saw his own face for the first time. He was cleaning the second floor bathroom with the DO NOT ENTER: RESTROOM BEING CLEANED sign on the door when he bumped into his water cart and his whole bucket with fresh water tipped over. “Shit,” he whispered. As he leaned over the water to mop it up, he could see his reflection mirrored back at him in the clean water. 

The edges were barely smudged and the rest of the picture was almost as crisp as one of the photographs he saw in Kylo Ren’s desk drawers sometimes. There was one of a woman with braids and one with a man and a big hairy wookie. FN-2187 didn’t know who they were, and Kylo Ren was just as mysterious. He had only arrived a few months ago, and no one really knew what to make of him. 

FN-2187 paused as he realized he could see himself now, if he wanted to. No one would know. He was alone, the sign was on the door, he could take his helmet off, just for a minute, and see his reflection. Slowly, he reached up and unsnapped his helmet. His heart pounded with the fear of getting caught and the anticipation of seeing his own face. He pulled the helmet off his head. He sat there for a minute staring at the ceiling, almost afraid to look down. He breathed in, out. He looked down. 

His head was more oval than round, but not as skinny as Zeros’. His eyes were dark brown, and his nose was wide. His hair was dark and shaved down near his head, like all stormtroopers, but Finn knew that if it grew out it would be curly. Once when he was eleven, he’d gotten so sick he got to skip two of the weekly hair shaving sessions. By the time he got it shaved down again, it had been grown out enough to have tight curls all over. He sat there for a few minutes longer, drinking in his own face and committing it to memory, as he knew a chance like this would not come again soon.

After about five more minutes, FN-2187 reluctantly forced his helmet back on, and quickly finished cleaning the bathroom. If the sign was on the door for too long, someone would get suspicious. But after that, FN-2187 always “accidentally” spilled clean water in an empty bathroom every six or so months. 

When FN-2187 was 22, the pictures in Kylo Ren’s drawer disappeared. He found them in the trash, both ripped in two, when he was replacing the trash bag. He took them out carefully. He didn’t know who the people were, but he had become so accustomed to seeing them that he didn’t want to see them go. He stuffed them in between his armor and the padding under it, and tied up the trash bag to put on his cart. 

Later that day, he took some of the clear tape in their room, and carefully taped the pictures back together on the bathroom floor while the shower ran in the background. Skipping one shower shouldn’t matter too much. From then on, he kept the photos in the crack in the wood in his top bunk bed, and every night, he’d take them out and look at them in the shadowy light still coming through the one small window.

Sometimes, after that, FN-2187 saw crumpled drawings of the same man and woman and wookie in Kylo’s trash. And the drawings were good, especially considering Kylo must have drawn them from memory. He couldn’t help but find it mildly hilarious that Kylo Ren was an artist. Sometimes he took the drawings with him, when they weren’t ripped up or destroyed too much. He hid them with the other two photos in his bed frame.

When FN-2187 was 24, he met Poe Dameron. He had seen the pilot when he was taken, but his thoughts were consumed by Slip,  _ Slip, Slip _ . Slip was dead. His friend, even though they weren’t allowed to have friends, Slip had been his. That night, he was filled with a new determination. He was going to get out of this place. 

The next morning, he removed the padding from one side of his pants, and slipped his pictures into the open pocket in its place. Then he walked towards where he knew the prisoners were held when they were being interrogated. He tried to walk purposefully, like he knew what he was doing. He didn’t think he quite succeeded, but nobody stopped him, or asked what he was doing. 

Poe gave him a name. Finn. Finn can’t quite explain the rush of happiness he felt when Poe named him, but he loved it. 

But then Poe was gone, and Finn met a girl and a droid, who seemed nice enough, even though the droid thought he was a thief, and when they asked him his name, he told them Finn. It felt right. He is free, and his name is Finn. 

Finn tried to keep himself from staring too much, but the man and the wookie from his photo were right there. He couldn’t help but wonder who they were to Kylo Ren, but he couldn’t ask, or they’d know he was a stormtrooper. 

Finn couldn’t understand the relief that flooded him when he saw Poe was alive. He hadn’t known him that long. He hadn’t known Rey long either. So why should he care about them so much already?

Apparently the woman from his photo, Leia, and Han were married. What did that make them to Kylo Ren, his parents?

Yes. Yes, they were his parents. Finn was sorry that Han had died before he could tell him about the pictures. He thought the man would want to know his son had kept something of him and the General for the entire first four years he was there. Finn vowed to tell Leia as soon as they got back to base. 

He didn't get the chance. Really, going up against Kylo Ren at all and surviving is pretty impressive, but he still wished he hadn’t been in a coma for two weeks. And then the General was injured, and he and Rose had to go all over the place on a mission that didn’t even matter in the end. Then he almost died. Again. 

It was safe to say he was not in the best mood after all that. Seeing Rey again helped. And Poe always cheered him up. And some sleep. That probably helped a bit too. 

It wasn’t until a week after all that, after people had mostly settled down at the new base, that Finn got the chance to show Leia the pictures. He told her that her son had kept the two photos in his desk drawer for the first four years he was there. That even after he threw them out, Finn still sometimes saw crumpled up drawings of Leia and Han and Chewie in the trash. Leia thanked him, her eyes gleaming with unshed tears, and Finn pretended not to notice. The pictures only fueled her determination that her son wasn’t gone, and she would get him back. 

Privately, Finn thought that maybe those pictures in the trash were the only remnant of Ben that still existed. He didn’t think he was coming back. But he smiled at the General and said “Maybe,” and left to find Poe. 

Apparently, Finn was wrong. After the Battle of Exogol, after the initial relief that Poe and Rey were alive, and so was he, after the celebration, Rey sits them both down and finally tells them everything. Ben did turn back to the Light. And then he died saving Rey’s life. Finn didn’t know what to think about this, so he said nothing, and just hugged Rey tightly until he was sure she wouldn't disappear. 

Later that night Poe sat with him outside in the dark, and neither of them spoke, but they didn’t have to. They were both just comforted by the presence of the other. Finn didn’t know what his life would be like if he hadn’t met Poe. He’d probably have been blown up on Starkiller. 

“What are you thinking about?” Poe asked softly.

Finn smiled and wrapped his arm around Poe’s warm body. Poe was always warmer than he was. “Just how happy I am that I met you.”

They fell asleep together right there and woke up to bright sun, wet grass, and Rey laughing in their faces.


End file.
